Jen Martin

Upcoming themes for our Wordless Wednesday blog posts:

May 29th will have no theme.

Send pictures for ANY week anytime to blog@ mamasaysvermont. org! Thanks for being part of our blog!

Peace looks like the face of someone you have not seen in a long time.

Peace sounds like the quietest laugh of a newborn baby.

Peace smells like pine trees in the woods when your journey is almost done.

Peace tastes like salt water in the ocean.

Peace feels like the warm touch of a soft blanket that just came out of the dryer.

Lately my kids have been driving me batty. They are 2.5 and 6.5 years old. Both girls. I find myself becoming a person whom I don’t like. I snap and bark. Yell and curse. I lose my patience easily.

I’m sad about who I am sometimes. I don’t want to be the eternally grumpy mom. I’ve always been joyful in general, and I want my girls to grow up feeling surrounded by positivity and love.  I don’t like the way I feel when I command and stomp around.

I wish I had more time to myself, more time to think and breath and garden and stretch, alone. I wish that I wasn’t always needed by someone else, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There is very little time to recharge my batteries, and I know that when I’m unable to take care of what I need is when I begin resenting having to take care of what my kids need, and then the grumpiness sets in.

And oh, how I love my little girls. I love watching them chase each other around and around the house. I love watching their heads bent over a book, one brown-blond and one fiery orange, as the Kindergartener slowly, proudly reads the words. I love watching the toddler watch the older one and try to emulate everything – EVERYTHING – she does, and how patient the older one is with the younger. I feel so lucky to have these particular children.

So I’m sad when I’m mean to them. I don’t mean to be mean. I’m shocked at the snarky words that escape my mouth sometimes. I need to heed my own advice to my older one and if I can’t say nice things, go be by myself until I can. I want to be able to deepen and strengthen my connection with myself so I can also connect deeply with my kids, even on busy, before-school mornings when breakfasts need making and eating, teeth need brushing, and potties need to be sat on before we tumble into the car, schoolwards.

What do you do to keep your patience and stay centered and just plain nice when your toddler is freaking out, bucking and twisting, because she wanted to buckle HERSELF in the carseat, which would take 10 minutes which you don’t have because you have to get your older kid to school on time, and then said older kid snottily says, didn’t you HEAR HER, that she didn’t want to wear her sweatshirt to school even though it’s only 40 degrees out and she WON’T, so there, mom? And now, mo-ooommm, she’s so COLD, and you clearly don’t love her enough to turn the heat on more in the car, even though you and the toddler are bundled up and sweating.

I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way. But there must be at least a few people out there who have figured out how to let your love through in the midst of frustration. And I would like to hear from you. I would like some advice. Really. Here. Now.

Upcoming themes for our Wordless Wednesday blog posts:

May 22nd will be Adventure.

May 29th will have no theme.

Send pictures for ANY week anytime to blog@ mamasaysvermont. org! Thanks for being part of our blog!

This topic could fill volumes and I can in no way speak to every mom’s experience.  So consider this simply as an opportunity to acknowledge you and your amazing self.  To also give permission to be patient and gentle to yourself.

You birthed your baby...vaginally or by cesarean-birth, YOU BIRTHED A BABY.

This is a big deal! Your body took (+/-) 9 months to nurture and grow your little one.  Yet, our culture - perhaps our family and even ourselves - may expect us to bounce right back – literally and figuratively.

Regardless of how you feel after your birth...keep in mind the enormity of how your body has nurtured your baby on the inside, what was required to birth your baby, and all the aspects of postpartum – from continuing to nourish & nurture your little one on the outside, to your body recovering from birth and adjusting to the newness of being a mom.

Your body – and life - is simply different after your baby arrives.  AND…that is normal. It’s not always talked about – or it is it may be joked about or seen as complaining…or hidden because we don’t want to admit that this mom thing…it can be really hard.

So, after birth, just remember…

~ The 4 layers of your abdominal muscles have been stretched to capacity. Your Rectus Abdominus (vertical "6-pack" muscles) may not have re-joined creating a separation called Diastasis.

~ Your pelvic floor has been supporting the growing weight of your baby and has stretched, opened, maybe torn and you may have hemorrhoids.

~ With a cesarean birth you are recovering from major surgery – while caring for a little one.

~ Your hormone levels are still - and will continue to be for a long while - very different from pre-pregnancy times.

~ You're functioning on way less sleep than you've every had in your life (unless this isn't your first)!

~ Feeding your baby - There is a learning curve with breastfeeding...it can be…oh, shall we say…challenging at the least. Constant feeding (breast or bottle) requires energy, attention, focus and most likely shoulder, neck, nipple and back pain.

~ Your emotional terrain may feel like a roller coaster given all the above, as well as needs from well-meaning family, friends, older children, work and partner relationships.

~ Daily life and work responsibilities – they don’t just disappear.

I'm sure you can think of at least a few others…

If we expect to jump right back to our pre-pregnancy ways of being and doing…it’s setting an expectation that is honestly, not achievable…without some level of discord for you. 

So - let some things slide that aren’t really necessity.  Really sleep when your baby sleeps, don’t forget to eat, call a friend for support when you find you really need it.  Create a regular time to share honestly with other women raising young children.  Perhaps look at your baby belly as something to be in awe of if you are wanting it to be different right away.

Try placing a few reminders around the house, in locations you’ll see every day...even if this sort of thing seems silly. Anything that will help you remember to take a breath, acknowledge your journey, and give yourself permission.

Wishing you all the best!

Amy LePage-Hansen is a Therapeutic Yoga Practitioner and certified Prenatal Yoga teacher currently pursuing a doula certification. She works with women during all stages of pregnancy, postpartum and beyond to learn ways to reduce tension, stress and pain, as well as prepare for labor and birth through her private sessions.  Amy offers Partner Prenatal Workshops for Labor and Birth preparation, as well as weekly prenatal and postnatal yoga classes.

When I turned my Bread and Puppet calendar from April to May, I found a beautiful woodcut of an iris and the word “ LISTEN.” This inspired me to write about listening.

I know when I am down or have a problem; typically what I really want and need is for someone to listen to me. I do not want someone to solve my problems or tell me what to do. Most of the time I just want someone to understand and perhaps express some empathy.  I know when I receive that listening, understanding and compassion I feel better and affirmed. 

Just like me, very young children are comforted when someone listens with compassion.  When we interact with our babies, interpreting and responding to their cries, and squeals, we are in fact listening to them.   This responsiveness is the basis for babies building trust in us and self-respect.

Toddlers and preschool age children, with all their emerging language, say and tell us about their thoughts, ideas, and feelings.  In the Italian Reggio Emilia

schools it is said that children have 100 languages. I think this means children express themselves in a multitude of ways, talking singing, moving, creating, and pretending, to name a few.  It takes sometimes a great deal of patience to really listen to toddlers and preschool age children. 

I am delighted to say that many the parents I observe, take time and genuinely listen to their children on a daily basis. While it does not cost a thing to listen to your children it is one of the one of the best investments in terms of emotional well-being, self-esteem  building, and relationship building.

Here are some tips for listening to your young child:

• Listen Actively.  Listen with your eyes, body and heart.
• Put aside all distractions, the phones, the iPads, the television, in other words - turn off all your electronic devices.
• Reflect back to your child what you think you heard them saying with

words that express feelings and emotions.  “I wonder if you are excited because Grandma is coming over tomorrow?”  “Are you frustrated because it is time to come inside?”

As a parent or caregiver of a young child, it is impossible to listen to your young children all waking hours.  It is perfectly acceptable and healthy to set boundaries.  When you cannot listen or attend to them you can simply tell them you have something else to do but will look forward to listening to them in a while.  Then when you do have time, you can give it your “all.”

Listening is one of the best gifts you can give your child.

Upcoming themes for our Wordless Wednesday blog posts:


May 8th will be My (child's) Favorite thing.

May 15th will be Birthday celebrations.

May 22nd will be Adventure.

May Send pictures for ANY week anytime to blog@ mamasaysvermont. org ! Thanks for being part of our blog!

I normally can’t stand waiting…it wastes my time and I’ve got a lot to do! When I’m waiting for my kids to get ready (for school, leaving a friends, cleaning up etc.)…waiting and waiting…I get kind of crabby. Well, ok, sometimes, I get REALLY crabby.  My buttons get pushed and then I start to React rather than Respond.

I used to always attempt to be calm - modeling good communication and behavior until I faced the truth – That’s impossible and a disservice to my kids.  How could I try to glide on by - calm, cool and collected all the time when my kids are….well, being kids – exploring boundaries and freedom, wearing their emotions on their sleeves, and perpetually in the NOW…(as in I want to do this right NOW!!!!)?    How will they learn to be with all the different emotions, personalities, and relationships they’ll face in life without having practiced moving through that with me?

This happened the other day when that little switch was flipped, you know the one…where you go from super patient to monster mom in literally three seconds flat…(I’m not the only one out there, right)?

After my full-blown tantrum…it got really, really quiet. I saw my youngest watching from the other room – wide-eyed…I felt awful, but was still angry enough to add a few more grumpy comments to really get my point across. Then my youngest said “Mom, you forgot about doing our strategy.” 

Don’t you love it….being caught, totally red-handed (rather red-faced shall I say) by a 6 year old…so present and in the moment that he just said it like it was…he called me on it.

So, instead of feeling guilty about: blowing up, about “failing” as a cool, calm and collected mom, about teaching my kids all sorts of bad habits…Instead of needing to be right and continue on my tirade…I paused.   I noticed how constricted my face was, how tight my shoulders felt, how hot my chest was.

Honestly, I  couldn’t even remember what the heck our strategy was.  So, I asked my youngest for help.  I was gently reminded that we were trying to wait a minute so we wouldn’t say or do anything mean and then hug or high-five each other.

So, up until this point…I honestly thought we came up with this strategy solely for the kids. 

I took a deep breath, exhaled nice and slowly and asked my oldest if I could give him a hug and try again.  He was all for this and quickly climbed onto my lap.

I learned a few things…

-       That my youngest has the courage to speak up respectfully and point out when I’m out of line…something that I hope he builds stamina around so he can do that with his peers and other adults.

-       My oldest was far more willing to call a truce than I would have been.

-       That I don’t walk my talk…how many times have I expected more from my kids and less from myself?

-       My kids are some of my best teachers. They also provide a mirror for me to reflect back at myself.  I can either cringe at (or ignore) what I see – or accept myself – flaws and all – and learn from each and every (and there have been PLENTY) bump in the road.

-       That this strategy is meant just as much for me as it is for them…and it’s really something that needs to be practiced. AND practice does not make perfect, it just makes it gradually easier to pause long enough to learn how to Respond rather than React. 

Enjoy the ride! It’s a fun, wild and crazy one!

  Why did you hire a doula?

I didn’t know anything about doulas and midwives before a friend of ours told us about it, and she recommended you to us, because we didn’t have information about having a baby and she thought it would help us. We didn’t know where we wanted to give birth and anything about the local choices, and she said that a doula would be a good source of information and help us figure it all out.

And how was your doula during your pregnancy?
You gave me confidence! Many friends had told us that the hospital birth was a bad experience, and that they (the doctors and nurses) would do what they wanted, not what you wanted...so we were really scared. You helped educate me with books and articles that helped me figure things out, and it was completely mind changing about birth. When we first met, I thought I’d want an epidural the second I walked into the hospital, and our conversations turned my whole way of looking at it around. You taught me how to write a birth plan and to think of it as our best intention, but told us not to worry about if our experience changed during the birth, that to just go with the situation and try to make it work for you even if it’s not exactly like you’d planned--it’s ok to have a Plan B. Now I’m even thinking that my next birth will be possibly at home!

What happened at your birth?

I was ten days “overdue” and you told us to eat spicy food and a pineapple, and go walking a lot, and we went swimming at Boulder Beach. It was around 8 pm when I started to feel little contractions, so I followed your advice about before going into the hospital to eat, and rest, and let your body take its course. I woke up at 7 in the morning and said, “I think it’s happening now!” My husband made me a steak lunch; it was really good! We waited at home as long as we could. My contractions became really strong and we called you and we thought we were far along dilated and wanted to leave. At the hospital, I wanted to walk in but they made me sit in a wheelchair. Then we got up to labor and delivery and they checked me out and let me know I was only at 2 centimeters. I remember that the nurses were really nice. They got the bathtub ready, a deep tub. I walked around the room, and sat on my birth ball, and then got in and out of the tub 3 or 4 times. My contractions got harder and harder. The baby’s heart rate was worrisome at some point, so they kept a close eye on us. I got the urge to push but the cervix wasn’t fully dilated so you had me get on all 4’s to help me resist the urge to push and coached me to breathe deeply so my cervix would open and not swell. Then when I got to 10 cm’s I got up on the bed and pushed for 17 minutes and I thought, “I just want to be done with this!” and everyone was cheering me on, saying “You can do it!” You had said when you feel the worst of the worst, that’s when the baby’s going to come and I remembered that at that moment and I realized, “The baby’s almost here!” So I felt hopeful and then the strongest force come through me and I was able to push the baby out. My darling Gabriel was born at 2:17am and weighed 6 pounds 3 ounces. My labor had lasted 19 hours.

How was a doula helpful at your birth?

Your assistant had candles (LED light candles) and you sprayed lavender, brought me coconut water, and other juices. They looked out for my husband and made sure he ate a real dinner, and helped calm his anxiety. The doulas helped me lay down at one point when I was tired of changing positions and being active, and you all laid your hands on me and gave me energy. You had me sit on the toilet a lot which was helpful. Getting into the bathtub was hard but you convinced me to keep getting in and out and that helped relax me.

How did the doulas help you after your birth?
You helped me with breastfeeding; I felt very unsure and you put me in the right mind of feeling confidence from the information and positive way you talked to me. You helped me find the information about the vaccines and the choices of alternative doctors around here. You told me not to feed Gabriel real food before 6 months of age, and I did that. You warned me about breastfeeding strikes and not to worry that he is not done nursing; sometimes he might do that and it will be ok. You encouraged us to wear him in a baby carrier and we do that all the time.

You told me about all the mother’s support groups and the mothers groups and encouraged me to go. Going to them helped me a lot. You suggested I go to yoga, and I went to prenatal yoga -- that was super helpful. Afterwards I went a couple times and got to bring the baby with me. You recommended I go to Birthing from Within classes and they were really helpful.

If someone was thinking of hiring a doula, what would you tell them?

It will be really helpful because we think we know how everything’s going to go in the birth because you see shows on tv and they tell us how it’s going to be--but we don’t know. Birth is completely different than what you see on tv! Doulas help you deal with your fears about what’s going on with your body and mind, and helps with all your feelings. A doula helps kind of normalize it all for you. She will give you confidence, be cheerful, and tell you, “You can do it!” And doulas teach that birth is a natural process and that our bodies are made to do this.

Joanna’s husband added, “Especially if it’s your first kid--she will be indispensable. If it’s your second kid, she will improve your birth also.”

What I thought this whole thing was going to be like before I had the baby was totally different than how it turned out. I thought it would be like an emergency and I was really scared about it, but then getting educated helped me see that birth is normal.

Amé Solomon has been a doula since 1994 and midwife since 1998 and serves women throughout Central Vermont and mentors new doulas. She believes that doula care is worth its weight in gold.
To contact this doula go to: http://doulavermont.tumblr.com/